Today when I was running, I experienced something that I haven't in a while - the joy of the Lord. As I was listening to David Crowder, I suddenly had an incredible sense of joy. Not necessarily the happy joy. But the joy that goes deep. I was able to worship and acknowledge who God is and what he has done. I know that He is here and will always be, even if this dream I have doesn't come true the way that I want it. This word "deep" has been on my mind lately. When Jesus said, "I have come so that you may have life and have it to the full," if that word "full" could really mean "deep?" (John 10:10) I have always thought of that verse as Jesus promising a happy life, but today it struck me that maybe full doesn't mean happy, but deep. There is a depth in suffering. In Psalm 43 there is a phrase "as deep calls out to deep." I've been trying to find out what this really means. Some say it is "the depth of my heart calls out to the depth of your (God's) heart," and others say it speaks of God's still small voice amidst the overwhelming suffering that He allows in our lives. Whatever it means, I experienced, even if just for a few minutes, the presence of God, and and understanding of His sovereignty. There is peace and healing in being able to praise the Lord in the midst of sufferings.
We have experienced these questions of life, this suffering these past several months as we struggle with not being able to get pregnant. Jordan and I were married in 2009, and decided to go off birth control at the end of 2011, hoping that we could start a family. 2012 brought many things - moving into his parents house, me going to nursing school, and a time of questioning over Jordan's job and whether or not we were being called to stay at Fremont. All in all, I think I had 4 periods in 2012. I started finally tracking my symptoms around July, and found that I wasn't necessarily ovulating, since I was going anywhere from 40-100 days between periods. This was also the time when we started getting a little more active in trying, not just not preventing. I did a little research, read some books, but didn't gain much insight about myself since things weren't working very well.
Many theories -
I am a little overweight, based on my BMI, and possibly losing 15 pounds could jumpstart my system. In high school/college whenever I got down to the 140 range, my periods did seem to regulate themselves a little better.
Stress - always a factor they say in hormone balance. I struggle with depression, which may be related to stress, or as my PCP calls it, adrenal fatigue. Considered going on natural adrenal support vitamins from Standard Processes, but just didn't have the money to invest at that time in our lives.
PCOS - debunked when I had a vaginal ultrasound in July 2013 - no cysts on those ovaries.
I do not eat entirely organic or soy free. I try as much as I can to eat whole foods, lots of fruits and veggies, but there is always a thought that maybe if I just got super strict on my food, that would help.
All in all, my OBGYN thought that I wasn't ovulating, so in June 2013, she started me on a prescription for Clomid 50mg. This was after a 7dpo (based on a basal body temperature rise) test revealed that my Progesterone levels were far too low to guarantee that I was ovulating. She wanted to put me on Metformin, which helps regulate diabetic patients and their sugar/insulin levels. But I was concerned because I already suffer from low blood sugar at times, and this could have potentially made that worse.
Month 1 of Clomid was started during a cycle that began on July 19th. Had a positive FSH on Aug 5, but started period Aug 20. Round 2 of Clomid. Had lots of side effects - major moments of unexplained rage, bloating, and breaking out. Which may have also been casued by actual ovulation, since by body probably hadn't been ovulating at all after birth control pills. Round 3 of Clomid. Period on Oct 19th, and today starts round 4 of Clomid. I have a doctor's appt on Nov 7th with my OBGYN to talk about whats next.
Things to be thankful for: Clomid has regularized my schedule. I now know that my schedules are about 30 days long, and I ovulate around day 16, and have a period 2 weeks later. Pee sticks - would love to get another progesterone blood test to see if i'm actually ovulating, but for now, the guessing games are over as to when it would happen if it does happen.
Many questions going ahead - what is the next step? will insurance cover the next step? will i be seeing a specialist sometime soon? what things are Jordan and I comfortable with, and what are we not?
Trying to remember that Jesus promises full life, not perfect and happy life. Full life means sorrows and sufferings exist, but that He is with us. He has sent his Spirit to give us peace.
